Quiet day today, work was quite easy going I think I am calming down a bit and not letting anything get to me, it's taken ages to grasp that one as I was always willing to help anyone out but did not get any thanks for it, now I do what I want when I want. Well sort of.

There was a last minute panic as LC is going to an IE tomorrow and at 2.20pm emailed me for some stats which I duly sent back to her with what I had which was only 4 months worth out of twelve but do I care no siree you have what I got or nothing at all. That felt good.

Collected the children from school as usual no injuries they were pretty quiet actually, then they came home and re in acted Peter Pan with plastic swords again no injuries but that was more luck than anything else.

Currently battling with some software that I'm trying to get to work, very important stuff too as it has all my internet projects on and I now have 12 jobs to do but cannot get the thing to work, I have emailed the company in America but they work to PST time which means they close at 11am. Never mind I'm chilled really I am.

Got to chat with 'D' today, that was nice my 'D' battery is now charged for a day or so anyway must remember to talk on Wednesday just to keep me going over the weekend. By the way one day I'm going to turn up at the gym to watch this athlete go through the paces. I'm really impressed with the commitment and you look great xx

Anyway time to start tea I'm going to attempt making a pizza nothing to elaborate though probably cheese, ham and pineapple.

Thoughts: Quite mellow today nothing is going to get to me I hope!! see ya.

Well it's Sunday night already, where is time going? spent the day cleaning tiles 280 of them and I'm beat now. Not much happened today apart from that, have not stepped out of the house since finishing work Friday.

I had a lot of anxiety today I woke up with it so must have had a bad night, not sure why I still suffer from this but it does get to you after a while. Just been watching animal planet while the rest are at the Theatre watching Peter Pan, I find these types of programmes relaxing.

Well it's back to the grind stone tomorrow hopefully I'll have a nice week. Yeah right!!

Anyway that's enough from me today, hope my special friend had a good weekend xx

What a day, been doing my D.I.Y bathroom all day, started at 10am and finished at 6pm, nearly finished this project although I started it back in October but I was being a bit brave as I gutted the room. We have a downstairs bathroom so I had to dig up the concrete floor and re-lay all the underground pipes, built a walk in shower and tiled floor to ceiling, I last done this room 5 years ago and vowed never to do it again but here I am just finishing the project for the second time.

I was doing the costs of this project the other day and so far it is in excess of £3K but if you want the best then you have to pay a price. We now have a jet bath, walk in shower, ultra modern WC and a large sink which has a design flaw, run the tap too hard and the water comes over the top.

When I'm done I'll take some pics to put on here.

I'm feeling OK today, not much stress apart from first thing when I had to take out the WC so I could bolt the thing down and I pushed the flush to make it lighter to move only to remember I had disconnected it from the waste pipe so water all over the floor. Lucky no one had used the loo before hand. Just think of the disaster if I had an upstairs bathroom boy I was lucky.

I was honoured tonight 'J' made the meal for us which was very nice sausage casserole great after a hard days work.

New Theatre tomorrow to see peter pan but I think 'J' is taking Megs and her friend so I will be home alone for a few hours.

Anyway that's enough from me for today, hope your day was as exciting as mine xx

Ye ha it's Friday, although this year is going very quickly, in laws moved to Spain today, they meet with the removal people at their new home today they fly back with us. We go out at the end of January for winter sun and booze!!

A friend once told me Flapjacks whilst on a diet is not a good idea, if they grovel then I maybe persuaded to make some. But it will have to be GOOD!

I have started dialogue with 'J' and so far so good, I think 17 years together is worth saving don't you? I must admit that some of the problems are down to me but certainly not the money issue which is what killed me. We'll see how it goes, I must thank you for your ears though it does make it a lot easier to bounce things of someone else who is not emotionally attached if you get what I mean.

The LC letter thing is to do with appraisal last December, I have been assured that it's been dealt with but so far nothing, depending on what amount it is will decide my future with AD to little and I can't afford to stay PT. Although next week I have a meeting Tuesday PM with a possible 3 year contract for my website business if I can pull that off then I'll be happy cos the money is more than AD salary and I can stay as I am which would be cool.

Work today was a little hectic, KW really getting stressed as he takes over from RB stuck my iPod on and let him whinge to me in tone of Iron Maiden!! told RB if he continues then I'll be going to PS as it's not fair I have to be dragged into the shit which he clearly cannot do and is way beyond him. He tried to but into a conversation an engineer was having with me today and was told in no uncertain words to "get lost as you don't know what your talking about" his face was a picture!

Had to spend dosh today on IT stuff my network hub went down yesterday and Megan has been nagging for a web cam as her holiday friends all have them and she feels left out so agreed to install one but only used when I'm logged on to keep an eye on her. Total spend well lets say over £100 things aint cheap are they.

Well I'm all typed out now, got to continue with work on the bathroom tomorrow so I don't suppose I'll be having lunch at IKEA.

Thoughts: Headache! head to sore for thoughts, did make fish in batter tonight which tasted quite nice. I should start my own restaurant.

Not a bad day today, nice and sunny although cold, feeling OK, had my TV fix for the month although I really need to see the first episode of "Invasion" as I struggled to get to grips with it although it was good, the end bath scene was a little predictable but will hopefully see the first episode on Sunday, that I hope will put the missing bits into place.

"LOST" well what an ending, out of all the mysteries on the island only one has been given away that being the smoke, The kidnap was very good and gives the new series something to look forward too and the clips at the end well I can't wait until the spring. If you want to cheat and see what's happening in series two in America then click here.

Just as my marathon TV watching was about to start 'J' announces that we have a marriage problem and it's been going on for a while "No shit Sherlock" we didn't discuss very much but I agreed and I'm now happier that she has realised that there is something wrong. Now I have to decide do I try and work things out or head for the exit. Oh and I think this came to light because I had a picture on my old mobile of another woman. And before anyone asks I have never been unfaithful, I admit I have been close and tempted but it ended before it started if you get what I mean.

Anyway this has now got me thinking so I better stop now before I say something I'm going to regret.

Oh work well that was the same old, still no letter from LC. But I'm not expecting a quick turn around.

Bye for now. xx

Well I must have that winter blues problem, wall to wall sunshine today and boy do I feel great, or is it the fact I said more to D today than anyone else. I plugged in my iPod and got on with it. Don't think KW was impressed but hey what do I care I'm only there for the money not the chatting.

got out at 2.30pm on the dot sorry I missed you again D xx, picked the tribe up as usual although mums were giving me funny looks today probably cos I was stood there singing to myself with my iPod plugged in, at least I didn't start dancing now that would have been a laugh might try that one tomorrow. Imagine a line of mums in the play ground all dancing there again where I live not a good idea.

Megan disappeared with he friend to KFC her mum came over and insisted on taking them all out, who am I to argue. Had an hour to myself which was great. Sister in law just been over cutting all the girls hair and ran the new business idea by her she bit my hand off for it so there could be mileage in it but more research needs doing on it first.

Megan so far has three holidays to go to this Summer, two weeks in Lanzarote, Two weeks in Alacante and where ever we decide to go is she lucky or what the whole of the summer holidays jetting around Europe.

Not working late tonight as I've been told about a new TV programme 'Invasion' starts at 9pm on E4 and at 10 the last two episodes of LOST back to back so I'm sorted tonight 9-12am TV watching I recon that's the most TV I've watched in years.

Made a quiche tonight turned out ok, not as good as my home made flapjacks though I'll have to make some soon.

Any way time to go getting shouted at cos I cocked up the tumble dryer, my instructions were, when you get home pop the stuff in the basket into the tumble dryer and switch on. This I done, now I supposed to have gone through the basket and split the items into various piles and adjust the machine to suit. What am I a bloody mind reader.

Bye for now

Oh boy is it horrible and wet or what! I only had to pick up Megan today so managed to stay dry in the car until the last minute, normally I pick up a little boy in the school next door and then wait in the yard for the other two who don't finish until 10 mins after the little school.

Returning full time is definitely on the cards had a bounced direct debit today not had one of those in years, had to frantically move stuff around all sorted now though even the bank commented and then gave a little good news "no charges" cool! I don't do overdrafts. but it hit home that this is no longer practical and I have not got time to monitor accounts and move things around all the time.

I have decided to wait for the magic white letter which is now two months over due but KW has promised that LC has dealt with it. RF asked me today if I would come back full time told her I would look for another job first as I don't see a future at AD anymore, she could see my point of view although I love the place the job it's self is driving me mad.

And working with KW well that's a no go, I have heard that RB is not being replaced they are passing stuff over to KW to look after, now, my way of thinking is that if I go back FT then I'm going to be roped into doing some of their work and that does not appeal to me at all.

I suppose 11 years is long enough in one place but what do I look for? I don't have any formal qualifications like degrees. I can't afford to go back studying oh well something to think about over the coming weeks. Probably decide fully whilst in Spain.

My friend's B'day today hope you had a good day and being spoilt! mine not far off now oh can't wait another year flies past.

Thoughts: cup of coffee time! my new project is in my mind at the moment need to get it all down on paper may do it later.

Oh sh** it's 5pm got to make tea, may pop back later for an update we'll see what to do for tea ain't got a clue have not even thought of it helppppppppp....

Well here I am again, feeling tons better now, today was a mixed day, some home truths thrown in which threw me off balance a bit but I understand where they are coming from and agree.

Work: Well it seems LC wants me to do MORE bloody work, I only work there 4.5 hours and can't do all the work I have now. She wants me to arrange for garages to give us their lead times and for me to put it together and update everyone. KW as ever doesn't have a clue what he is doing.

Tell me do I have M.U.G on my forehead?

D's birthday tomorrow but is skiving off work bloody cheek some of us have to work through our birthdays 18th Feb by the way, ahhhhh it's a Saturday shit take that back. Hope you have a great day and loads of fun xx

Home: Got a new business idea late this afternoon rang a few contacts and they were all well impressed, that has given me a new lease of life for the moment anyway, feel a lot more positive. Will let you in on it when I've done the paperwork [Copyright stuff].

Had all the kids over after school so the house was MAD for 30mins managed to do some work not much though and Megan is now on MSN with her holiday buddy down in Milton Keynes so listening and monitoring what they are up to. Oh what it's like to be 8 years old again.

Thoughts: [D's spooky bit] well I'm pretty thoughtless [don't even go there] at the moment I think the past few days have wiped them out. Could do with a drink though.

Any way that's enough from me today happy B'day 'D' xx

Well had a bit of a tidy up not just in my office but on this blog as well. The rest of the day has been clean, clean and more clean.

Thoughts:
None really, I have calmed down a bit since Friday and as promised to a special friend I won't SPOOK you again!xx

Although you did make me smile on Saturday when I approached you, your face was a picture can't imagine what was going through your head at the time though!

Anyway back to work tomorrow whoopee theirs exciting!

Didn't get chance to update yesterdays diary note, not much happened really sat watched Simpson's (Megan's choice not mine) then put through re run of celebrity Big Brother. So what do other people with a family do on a Saturday night?

2.30AM got woken up by Justine cos she thought someone was in the house, dived out of bed not thinking straight ran down stairs done a scan around the house all quiet think the fish got a little excited as they were swimming madly around the feeding hole so gave em a snack! ah bless.

Got back to bed Justine fast asleep, great what back up I had if there was someone in the house. Two minuets later I heard it, scratching in the attic well we all know what that is MICE!!

We had mice a few years ago but got rid of them. I think these are travelling through as we have a sonic device running which they don't like. There's a thought mice with a back pack and sleeping bag. (Travelling mice) sorry where was I....

Ah yes woke up at 8.30am Megan putting on Charlie & Chocolate factory on great no lie in today.

Sunday what do people do on a Sunday? we have late breakfast around 10ish nothing special toast cereal, then we dropped a suitcase down the in-laws as the emigrate to Spain in a few weeks.

Then Tesco for the weekly shop now theirs a trip. As I now do all the cooking I get to do the shopping so I have two girls following me around like lost sheep while I pick the food it's great, especially when they get to the freezer isle. I'm heading for the cash register. No frozen in my trolley oh noooo fresh stuff please any day.

I'm now supposed to be cleaning the office while Sunday lunch is cooking (Roast pork today, 1hr cooking time) but got side tracked a little.

I hope to be back later. What is this celebrity Big Brother all about anyway have you watched any of it ?

Day 3



Just got back from a late Christmas party, really should be called a new year party though, all the children had a great time but I think the adults will be asleep by 7pm tonight.

Megan on a one wheel bike gave me palpitations, but she enjoyed herself, I noticed not many Claims people at the party. The Christmas present she got was brill Megs & Mum are currently giving it a go (Bratz board game putting make up up dummy heads).

Had an email this morning which was interesting reading and again the contents were 100% right, feel a bit guilty now though but I'm sure the sender will accept my apologise.

Friday night so what happened I here you say well Dave has not changed a bit and I mean that, no grey hair lucky bastard! we had a drink and chatted for hours about all sort of stuff it was really good bumped into my old next door neighbour (D.C in the police) he recognised me straight away it's got to be close on 17 years since we last saw each other. So if you fancy doing some crime DON'T they remember faces to well!!

By the end of the evening we both commented that it didn't feel like 10 years since we last saw each other. Both agreed to stay in touch this time.

Well I'm going to have a bite to eat now (Fried rice with ham) healthy eh! I may be back later to put the rest of the days goings on so catch you later.

xx

DAY 2

OK Friday what's been happening well really surprised to see how early people log into PC's I thought I was bad.

Work well there we have it! it came and went not much to report here I have been there far too many years now I think. It was suggested I look to move on but not sure what I can do and where to go?

Thoughts:
I just got a text message from an old friend I have not seen since 1989 (Night club era) meeting him tonight in the Discovery pub in Cyncoed can't wait to drink back in my old haunt, used to live in cyncoed by the way. Not sure if I can trust myself though as I feel a new lease of life coming on and I'm looking to LIVE again stuff everything else.

Must say thanks to my mum for giving Dave my mobile number cheers me dear.

Well this is different my last blog was public access but I have decided that 2006 will be a private year and my blogs will be very personal and will contain my deepest thoughts and gripes, good bad and what ever I am feeling at the time.

So where do I begin, well first off how am I feeling, I would love to say great full of beans and raring to go but I can't, I still don't feel 100% and not sure if I ever will. When I get home I can feel myself getting stressed worked up and it pisses me off big time, depression well that was bad over the new year but I suppose everyone goes through this at some point in their life.

I have a special friend (I hope I still have after they have read this) this person has helped me so much they are totally unaware of it, you see I have got myself into a rut, so deep I can't get out, I'll try and explain.

A few years ago I was a Group Scout Leader I loved it, getting out of the house every Monday night, going to visit the kids at camp at weekends it was great but I started to struggle with Work, Brentons project etc.

Taking too much on as they say, or was it something else... anyway it was suggested to pack in Scouts, stupid me went along with it, then I terminated my dealings with Brenton as well, to cut a long story short I lost all my friends, and over time lost my way in life.

Lets say I got up at 6am go to work back home go to bed. That's it for the past two years.

I'm not ready for that life yet I want some excitement, I want to be human again. So this I hope will be the start of it, letting out how I feel and what is on my mind at the time.

Well that's my background and where I am today so on with my thoughts....

To my special friend please do not get annoyed with what I put down but it is what I am feeling and thinking at the time.

Work: Well that's a good place to start, got in early again, copper top was not in he was in Swansea thank god, he really does get to me he is such a prick.

Left at the usual time 2.30pm put my mobile on vibrate as I had my iPod on and didn't want to miss a call, I suggested to someone to call if they had email problems, but no call so it must have been cool.

Picked Megan up from school, bloody freezing standing in the playground couldn't wait to get in and put the kettle on. Put the Christmas decorations away for another year and possibly the last I even thought that when I was on the ladder putting them in the attic strange eh!

Then cleaned up and made tea (spag bol)does everyone do this stuff or is it just me?

Then departed the old life to start my 2006 blog which is where I am right now at 8.45pm

My thoughts right now:
I miss my special friend simple as that. I also miss my old life easy going always up for a laugh going out with friends, I miss having a hug now and then nothing more but with feeling you know what I mean? I really miss not being able to cry, let out my frustrations, I miss talking open, talking not being afraid to say the wrong thing.

I HATE BEING DEPENDABLE MARK (A name that has been given to me by my family).

I hope my first instalment has not upset anyone.

xx

must see my new business www.carpartauctions.co.uk

Well I'm not doing to bad another day, have not felt to good today a little anxiety has returned that maybe to do with the lack of work for my business. I'm debating putting an ad on eBay but I'm not convinced that this is the way forward........

Now it's time to do a diary and take this a little more seriously, I have just had bad news well yesterday anyway that my business partner for http://librautomotive.co.uk wants to move into other areas as I'm the IT part of the business he wants to know if I will charge out for future work on www.librautomotive.co.uk well have I got a problem with that OH NO!! I will be charging £20 per hour .

Does that mean I can bill him for the past two and a half years at £20 per hour?

That's better got that of my chest. So whats new in my life? well certainly getting better not had a panic attack in months now and my anxiety is coming down to managable levels, I'd love to find others who have either beaten this or is still trying to beat this illness.

Oh I've now gone part time so I can pick up Megan (My daughter) and the neighbours kids and concentrate on my online business www.librautomotive being my main customer.

Any way hopefully I'll remember each day to update this in sonme sort of fashion.

OK so what is all this car modification all about I notice http://www.librautomotive.co.uk have loads of car bits I'm over 35 and wonder if people my age actually make changes like Lexus lights, RGM spoilers great place to go to if you have banged your car door mirror but please Lexus lights what are they all about?

OK I know nearly 12 months gone since last blog but I never said I was consistent. Lots have happened over the past twelve months most noticeably is falling ill with Stress, panic attacks generally feeling like shit. But I think I'm beating it just about. Still in the same JOB and also still doing the evening business although getting pretty pissed as no money coming through yet. I know you are supposed to work hard and play hard but nearly 12mths down the line and still not a penny. Am I the thick one here.

Well that was a long lunch, what ever happened to 2003!! Forgot all about my blog but hey I'm only talking to myself!!

Just started 2 weeks holiday from Admiral and working on my many projects as usual. I am currently working on an exciting new projects Librautomotive.co.uk maybe this will give me some money as my last project is about to go down the pan thanks to my business partner who has not got a head for business after over two years he still does nothing!! However a contact I made through.....

[Megan's bit]
I am megan, my dad wrote all of this down there.

what I did today on my school holidays. I got up before Paige & Luke arrived this morning first time this week!.

I invented something on the computer it is a little box with a star, the color is purple and black. Now it's time for bed as I just finished watching Men in Black II.

Back to me now where was I.....

My last project asked if I would be interested in developing a new business my area being IT & Internet which as usual I agreed to well we will see!!

Anyway that's enough for today maybe this time I'll remember to pop back and update this blog and not leave it another 2 years almost.

Bye for now!!